Survival, Guilt and What's to Come

We survived! Yesterday, after work and school we rushed to downtown Dallas. Feeling like we just barely made it we shoved our faces with McDonald's (yuck, I know) and took our seats. Hours later the three of us emerged exhausted, beaten (not really but it felt like it) and even more hungry.... but we are now officially CPR & First Aid Certified!! Part of the process. "T" didn't have to take the class but we thought it would be nice for him to know as he prepares to leave for college.

 

Our certificates, YIPPEE! One thing we can check off our "To Do" list. 

After this grueling week I thought I would share some of the process that we've gone through and are about to go through and the type of adoption we chose.

There are several ways to go when adopting including: international, domestic (open, semi-open or closed) and foster-to-adopt through the state. We've chose foster-to-adopt which means we will be foster parents for at least six months. At that point if parental rights are terminated we will then be able to legally adopt (more on this to come in a later post).

I guess I'll start from the beginning though. Many moons ago we attended an information session regarding fostering and foster-to-adoption hosted by several agencies that gather together to provide general information to those showing interest. After gathering information and doing our homework we picked the adoption agency that we felt was best for us.

We scheduled a meeting and had our first interview. This was a while back but I can remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. If you've met my husband you know sometimes it can be hard to tell when he is kidding and when he's serious. He makes up stories or teases people and they think he's being serious, I feel so bad for them. This often comes out more so in the check out line at grocery stores, poor checkers.

I can remember before going into the interview begging him to be on his best behavior.....he started off good. I won't lie or sugar coat it though, the whole thing is awkward. Your meeting someone for the first time who is ultimately going to decide if your dreams should come true or not. Your future lies in their hands. I would find myself slouching,sweating or messing with my hair and would quickly correct myself wondering if she noticed, hoping she doesn't think that somehow this will make me a bad parent. It's quite stressful.

Anyways, my husband did what he does bet. Throwing in sarcasm to lighten the mood, I would hurriedly correct him to make sure she knew he was kidding. A feeling of relief each time he would say something and she laughed. So glad she's a trooper and went right along with him. Somehow we made it threw that but I can remember walking out of the interview and feeling such relief that it was over. Before we left she informed us that only those who "pass" the interview are mailed an application.

After waiting a few days a huge manila packet filled every inch of our mailbox.  Never so excited for a filled mailbox. That was until we started filling out the application. There was a ton of paperwork. It kept us busy for quite some time. So many questions about: our childhoods, our relationships with our family and even stuff on the most intimate parts of our life. It felt so weird to write stuff like that down on paper and send to a stranger.

Included in the application process is a signed health inspection form from our county rep and a fire safety inspection by our town fire marshal.

We spent a few weeks carefully and hurriedly preparing the house. We were perhaps a little on the overachiever side which we didn't realize until afterwards. We got a list of things that needed to be completed but I just kept thinking they would come into our house and notice others things and fail us proclaiming us as FAILURES TO BE ADOPTED PARENTS. I just kept envisioning a big red "FAIL" across our form and me bawling like a baby

We covered every plug, packed away all medicines in new secure lock boxes, cleaned the entire house, secured every tall shelf that's climbable, mounted the fire extinguisher, posted the fire escape plans, checked and rechecked the smoke detectors, child proofed the kitchen cabinets and drawers necessary, replaced all our trash cans and attached "Grip-n-twists" on door knobs. Then we again checked the long lists for both inspections over and over and over and over again.

 

You can go ahead and judge me, I know, the "Canned Food" section is a little depleted. Grocery shopping is on the "To Do" list, but here's proof of the mounted fire extinguisher.  

 

I did some research online and found that many inspections check your blind cords...oh no! I hadn't even thought about it. I rushed out the night before and bought the entire stock of cord protectors at Home Depot. Only to research more that night that many people feel these are just as unsafe. It wasn't on the list anyways so I ended up just stressing all morning and returning them a week later. 

I'm pretty sure I have one of the safest houses in my neighborhood. But I was sweating bullets when the inspector came over and then again a week later when the Fire Marshal visited. The health inspector walked through the house checking her list and finally handed me a paper with a big "PASS." Not really, she just checked the boxes and signed the form we needed. But on her way out she said, "Everything looks great. I can tell your going to do great with this process."

 

Such awesome news to a new foster-to-adopt parent, that some stranger even thinks you might be able to get through this. I did ask about the blind cords and she said no one had ever even asked her about that, but that was definitely something she would look into. Oops....I did not mean to give her more ideas.

The Fire Marshal's personality was a little more on the serious side and made sure to check everything on his list personally. Again, another "PASS." Yippee. On his way out he said he was "impressed." He felt we went above and beyond with our fire escape plans, he had never seen anyone actually post them around the house. More relief.

Our posted Fire Escape Plans. Now if your a guest in our house you'll know where to go if there's a fire... OUT!

 

If you've noticed, so far this process seems to be high stress, then relief, then more stress, and hopefully more relief. It comes and goes as we complete and approach each step in this process.

We submitted our application what seems like months ago, but really was just about two weeks ago. We started training this past Saturday with one full torturous long day in the classroom. Felt like school all over again for my husband. We left feeling so brain fried only to go back Monday night for our CPR and First Aid training. I've sat through at least 2 CPR classes, but this was by far the most brutal class. But I must add that I did learn more than I had before.

This weekend we have another full day in the classroom. We have a few more things to finish up paper work wise, finger prints, etc. But then we wait for our home study: more poking, prodding, answering questions, judging, and searching through our home. I'm already wrapping my mind around the situation the best way I can but would appreciate any prayers. I tend to over analyze and scrutinize a little to much. But there is good news, the young lady who we've been working with from the beginning will see us through the whole process and will be the one completing the home study so she'll be prepared for my husband's humor.

After the home study I'm not sure what is to come. If our background checks and references are good, I think at that point we wait, for a match, for a "broadcast" as they call it, for .....our child(ren). When there is a "match" we'll have the chance to continue or not and then perhaps have pre-visits where we meet the children in a neutral location. Then we decide.

Such a scary thing. This decision can and will have a huge impact on our lives, our marriage, my step-son and our family as a whole and will change the future completely. Such a powerful little decision. This is actually the scariest part for me. Many mothers tell of a "you'll just know" feeling, but what if I don't feel that? What if I pass my children and don't even notice? I fear the guilt of letting down other children we meet in the process. Meeting them and enjoying their company, only for them to later discover they perhaps weren't a good fit for our family. I hurt for these children. I can only imagine how they will feel after not being chosen, feelings of not being "good enough," and that is enough for the tears to flow.

Guidance, yes.... guidance, faith and a sign from God. That is my prayer. That is where most of my thoughts are. I will try to remind myself that there is a plan for them set in place, perhaps there is a longing mother who a week from now will have that "I just knew" feeling when she meets the child we did not feel was a good fit for our family. But lets be real, this is the best case scenario. So many kids out grow the foster system, perhaps this is somehow their plan. It is super difficult to talk myself out of the guilt, just when I think it's gone, it creeps up on me at the most awkward times.

In training we talked a lot about the experiences foster children go through and the process that takes place before they arrive in our home and how it affects them (more guilt). I couldn't help but think about our child(ren) and what they may have seen or heard, what they've experienced, the pain they are feeling, the let downs, and the tremendous amount of loss. The loss of their mother, their father, their extended family, their traditions, their history, their structure and the feeling of being needed.... wanted. I am thinking of them, who ever they may be, praying for them and their little heart, and trying to patiently await their arrival.  

In efforts to prepare and wait for our new family members I've been working on my nieces stocking, cross stitching one x at a time, cake decorating and knitting stocking stuffers. Tonight I also attended a mothers group for those who are hoping to go through or are going through this process. It was nice to hear in person, instead of reading a blog, adoption stories and the trials and joys experienced. It also gave me a great idea for a Christmas present for the children in my extended family. Hopefully these activities will help dissipate this guilt I'm feeling.