A Waiting Mothers Wonder

This was a journal entry I wrote around 1 or 2 in the morning. After laying in bed for what felt like hours I snuck off to the closet and wrote for a bit not to disturb my husband and to help clear my head.

At night when the lights have long been out I lay in bed and a joyous wonder slowly fills my head and heart.

I wonder...what it will be like to know you are sleeping upstairs, if you will hate mornings as much as we do, if you will like dessert as much as I do, if you will cheer for the Green Bay Packers with us, what your favorites are (movies, TV shows, foods, colors), will you like art, do you enjoy sports, how old you were when you began to walk...to talk, are you even old enough to do these things??.

I wonder...how will you want your room decorated, if you will be shy or outgoing.

I try to force myself to be sleepy, to close my eyes tight, to clear my head....but then I wonder if you will like bike riding with us, if you like school, if you've even started school, what your style is, if you know about Jesus and how much he has always loved you, what your hopes and dreams are.

My wondering turns to hope. Hope for....our family's future and all it holds, all God has in store for the family he will have created himself.

Suddenly, and regrettably, what I can only assume is fear and/or reality, sneaks up and takes root and I began to realize that there will be times you 'hate' me, you might shout at me and beg for your 'real' mom, you may even threaten to run away. Sometimes you will probably misbehave at school, refuse to pick up your stuff, or throw a fit in target.

I wonder if you'll get tired of talking about adoption when others ask, if you'll be sad because....
-I can't tell you over & over again the story of how you were born
-you will not look like me or your Dad
-we most likely won't be able to go back and look through your baby pictures

I begin to pray. For you. For Me. For Us. For our Family. These nights seem so long.

I prefer to go to bed dead tired to avoid this vicious cycle. But in the end I'm thankful that I believe in God, how sad and so much more scared I would feel if I didn't. See...when those negative thoughts cross my mind, they always end with hope and trust in His plan. If these things I fear do happen I will try my hardest in the moment to still find joy because it means I have you. Perhaps sometime soon I will finally fall asleep I guess I must try.